Steppin it up!

Im just feeling a bit of stress overload. I hate the way that I have been feeling for almost 2 whole weeks now and if im being completely honest its probably been more like a month. I hate it because it makes me take out my "grown up issues" on my kids ... not fair. Then after im done being a half ass parent I feel nothing but guilt. I mean lets get real for a moment ... its far from their fault that there is never enough money in the bank, that relationships are changing and probably not for the good, that the baby is sleeping and I would like her to stay that way for at least an hour, that my husband and I are desperately ready for a change that seems to be taking forever (or is just simply not meant to be), that I am trying to adjust to my post baby body (again) and there dont seem to be enough hours in the day for me to do anything about it. I have 4 young children all under the age of 6 whom I love dearly and cherish more then anything in this world and they should be treated as so. They dont deserve the constant yelling (at them) that probably annoys them as much as it annoys me! The thing is though, when these terribly annoying issues are running through my mind most of the day (and now interrupting my sleep as well) it is harder to deal with any additional issues that come up during the day. Ill just give you a few examples: my 2 year old's fear of pooping on the toilet so she walks around for over an hour clenching her butt together, when my 3 year old doesnt get his way he says "I hate you" to whoever is sitting closest to him as he is crossing his eyes in anger, that the dog swims in the pool and then has to come inside, that right after I vacuum out my car cheez-it's are smashed into the carpet, that I walk into the bathroom only to find my son wiping poop off his index finger with toilet paper with no intention on washing his hands, that on days like today when I am really looking forward to nap time ... nobody naps, that my dear sweet Ava tells me NO just about every single time I tell her to do something, that as I am nursing the baby Ava is screaming her head off right beside for no apparent reason as Julian is sitting on the couch mocking her only to make her more angry. My list could go on but I will end it there. My point in all this is that lately I just feel like a looser mom. I hate that because of adult crap I take it out on the kids and am not parenting to my full potential. I love what I do and like I said I cherish my children. I just need to make more of an effort to not take my anger with outside situations out on them. I hate saying things that I cant take back and acting in a way that is unacceptable to what I believe a good parent is. From here on out I am going to make an honest effort to be a calmer more focused parent. At the end of the day they are all I have (obviously including my husband here) and if I dont step up to the plate for them who will? It is my job to help mold, shape and teach them and I can honestly say that lately I have been doing a poor job at it. They learn from what they see and from what they hear and since they are with me 24/7 that makes me the most important teacher they know. I never would want them to feel like an annoyance because the truth is it is not them I am annoyed at! Its time to step up my game ...