Its how we choose to do it ... !

So here it is! Its 13 days till Christmas Day blesses our family again! Let me just say ... everyone chooses to celebrate Christmas with their children in their own way. We all have different ideas on how many presents should be given, weather to open one on christmas eve or not, whether to wrap the Santa gift(s) of leave them out for the kids to see, ect.! Everyone has their own ideas and their own opinions ... and thats ok! Tony and I dont get the oppurtunity to spoil our children throughout the year bc most of our money has to go towards the bills, food and pizza on Friday nights ;o). So there is no buying a random pair of shoes for them in between "just for fun". There is no letting them chose a toy at target in between "just for fun" ... those kinds of things just dont happen in our house. So yes, on Christmas, we indulge and we try and get them (5) things of their lists that they really want bc we dont buy them the "in betweens". We cant afford the in betweens like other ppl can so we do like to spoil them this time, this only time, every year ... AND THATS OK!! I dont always like that I have to tell them "no" (almost all the time) they request things throughout the year ... so at Christmas we say YES ... and I LOVE IT! There is no buyers remorse, there is no guilt, there is no "keeping me awake at night" once Christmas day has passed. The joy and the excitement on their faces on Christmas day is absolutely priceless for us! For this one time a year is when we truly spoil them and I wouldnt have it any other way! So lets not pass judgement on how we all choose to get down on Christmas, ok? We have really great kids, who dont expect, who most of the time dont whine when we have to say no .... who make me very proud! N thats all I have to say about that :o)!

Venting ...

Here's the thing. Im feeling lots of things lately on many different levels. I feel I have been very negative lately but I think its because:

A. Im not sure how much I truly love change (whether it be good or bad isnt super relevant to me right now) . We are finally buying our first home!!!! Something we really have been "desperate" to do for the past few years! Everything has finally come together and our "perfect" home seemed to kinda fall in our laps after months of disappointment. Its so very exciting BUT very emotional for me. I have begun to raise my family in this home for the past 5 years so I do feel some attachment to it ... not matter how much I dont love this home ... its still been our home for quiet a while. I truly believe that just because you have a house that doesnt make it a home ... its everything that you do with that house that makes it your home ... we have made this place our home here so its hard for me to pack it up. Also having to switch the kids school is hard for me. Hannah is very comfortable where she is and I hate having to up root her ... she will adjust to the new school I know but it still makes me sad for her. On the other end ... buying a home is such a HUGE financial decision and that makes me nervous too. There are always the "what ifs". Just so much running though my mind about the whole thing.

B. I dont love it when people are selfish. When your brother in law asks for help laying sod in 100 degree whether (which I get nobody really wants to do) so he wont have to be out there until 7:oo at night please dont say "I have to watch the dogs"! Its just really kinda rude (bc im pretty sure dogs can be left alone LOL) ... especially when he 100% of the time helps anybody that needs help ... doing whatever. AND, I really dont like it when I feel that plans are broken with me because I better opportunity came up ... its rude and just makes me a little sad.

C. I dont always feel like I have a super tight group of girlfriends that I can "catch a breather with" when I feel like life is overwhelming me. Im not somebody that has 100 friends ... never have been. I can count my closest friends on one hand and I like it that way. However, two of my closest friends live in other states and it kinda sucks. The others have families of their own or work late hours, ect so its not always possible to get together. I know I know boo hoo such is life but whatev it still sucks! Sometimes I need a good vent session and the opinion of someones opinions I value!

D. Presley my sweet 2 year old is very strong willed and often gives me anxiety. I have four kids so I think I am somewhat on the Know of how to deal with situations that tend to arise. BUT Presley has tantrums that I have never had to deal with. She screams at the top of her lungs, rolls on the floor, throws things, tells me no all day long, hates to share and is extremely vocal about all of it. I dont know how to deal with it. On the rare occasion that I am solo with her she is AWESOME ... but like I said I have 4 kids so the solo time is not often. She now will tell me "im sorry" but it still doesnt prevent her from the behavior. When will this change? I get anxiety when I have to do things in public or even just going to my sisters house bc her and her cousin (who is 17 mo) just argue over EVERTHING! They both want to be the babies ...

E. I get really pissed off when I text certain "friends" and probably 90% of the time they dont text me back ... its rude and I dont really appreciate it. Enough said ... its rude.

F. Three of my kid are starting school in about 27 days!!!!!! I NEVER wanted this day to come as quickly as it has and honestly im not really ready for it. My entire world revolves around these 4 little people. Have you ever heard "Family Man" by Craig Campbell??? That song describes my life (minus being a man). I am a stay at home mom which means I have experienced 100% of their lives with them ... day in and day out for the past 7 years. I am not really sure how to function without them ... or what to do. Some parents are ready for summer to be over and their kids to be back in school ... not me, I seriously inhale this time with them (even sweet Presley who sometimes drives me nuts). Again, this is where my life is changing and I dont do well with change. Brings me to tears. We dont have tons of extra money (we def sacrifice so I can stay home) but I wouldnt trade this small piece of their lives I have had to joy to experience for all the money in the world.

And now after writing all this I can breath again. Thanks for being my friend :o)

Steppin it up!

Im just feeling a bit of stress overload. I hate the way that I have been feeling for almost 2 whole weeks now and if im being completely honest its probably been more like a month. I hate it because it makes me take out my "grown up issues" on my kids ... not fair. Then after im done being a half ass parent I feel nothing but guilt. I mean lets get real for a moment ... its far from their fault that there is never enough money in the bank, that relationships are changing and probably not for the good, that the baby is sleeping and I would like her to stay that way for at least an hour, that my husband and I are desperately ready for a change that seems to be taking forever (or is just simply not meant to be), that I am trying to adjust to my post baby body (again) and there dont seem to be enough hours in the day for me to do anything about it. I have 4 young children all under the age of 6 whom I love dearly and cherish more then anything in this world and they should be treated as so. They dont deserve the constant yelling (at them) that probably annoys them as much as it annoys me! The thing is though, when these terribly annoying issues are running through my mind most of the day (and now interrupting my sleep as well) it is harder to deal with any additional issues that come up during the day. Ill just give you a few examples: my 2 year old's fear of pooping on the toilet so she walks around for over an hour clenching her butt together, when my 3 year old doesnt get his way he says "I hate you" to whoever is sitting closest to him as he is crossing his eyes in anger, that the dog swims in the pool and then has to come inside, that right after I vacuum out my car cheez-it's are smashed into the carpet, that I walk into the bathroom only to find my son wiping poop off his index finger with toilet paper with no intention on washing his hands, that on days like today when I am really looking forward to nap time ... nobody naps, that my dear sweet Ava tells me NO just about every single time I tell her to do something, that as I am nursing the baby Ava is screaming her head off right beside for no apparent reason as Julian is sitting on the couch mocking her only to make her more angry. My list could go on but I will end it there. My point in all this is that lately I just feel like a looser mom. I hate that because of adult crap I take it out on the kids and am not parenting to my full potential. I love what I do and like I said I cherish my children. I just need to make more of an effort to not take my anger with outside situations out on them. I hate saying things that I cant take back and acting in a way that is unacceptable to what I believe a good parent is. From here on out I am going to make an honest effort to be a calmer more focused parent. At the end of the day they are all I have (obviously including my husband here) and if I dont step up to the plate for them who will? It is my job to help mold, shape and teach them and I can honestly say that lately I have been doing a poor job at it. They learn from what they see and from what they hear and since they are with me 24/7 that makes me the most important teacher they know. I never would want them to feel like an annoyance because the truth is it is not them I am annoyed at! Its time to step up my game ...

27 Whoop Whoop!

Ok so here I am one year older! I just turned 27 on Thursday and I am feeling pretty great about it! There is just something that screams "get me out of here" as you climb closer and closer to getting out of your 20's! 30 is sounding goooood ... dont know why but it does! I had one of the best birthdays I have ever had! Tony (my hub) made me feel so super special on my super special day! He did nice things for me just because he knew how much I would enjoy the simple things ... the phone calls through out the day, a yummy bumblebee slurpee, the work out clothes and yoga mat (bc he knows how much I want to get back in my pre baby shape x4!) topped off with a gift card for clothing after he put much effort into searching for the perfect long dress and just couldnt decide! I must admit that I love that he got me work out clothing in XS ... LOL! I love that he thinks I am still that small. I must admit it bummed me out as I was trying to try them on ( he was so excited about them he insisted I try them on ... I didnt want to tell him I was 100% sure they were WAY TO SMALL) since I couldnt pull the shorts past my knees but it surely made my heart smile that he still viewed me as being an XS. He is my love! He makes me smile. He encourages my dreams and when I fall short he gently lifts me up. He just gets me and I think that is what I love most of all. I am excited to see what this year holds and im looking forward to learning what ever it is that I am going to learn! Another year older ... sounds good to me!

The perfect gift.

So today I drove around just about the entire first half of the day in search of a perfect fathers day gift for the most amazing dad in the world! ... Didnt purchase a thing! The thing is I started out with energy through the roof and slowly but surely it started to slip away. I loaded all the kids into the car and started off to pick up my moms discount card to GNC only to find out she wasnt at work. Then I drove to her house ... only to find out she wasnt there either. Finally I said enough is enough and I will just pay full price no biggie so I drove to the loop. After having to yell at my two older kids more then half way over there I thought taking them into GNC was probably a bad choice so I left. I just kept having endless visions of vitamin bottles being knocked over left and right! Then for whatever reason I thought I would take them into Old Navy because they can all use a new suit and Old Navy is have a great sale... bad choice! Taking 4 kids under the age of 6 into Old Navy to try on bathing suits is no easy task Ill have you know! It actually started off ok and by the end of the trip I was sweating. Of course the handicap dressing room was taken so I had squeeze all five of us plus the baby stroller into the tiny changing room. Then as I am trying to help my 5 year old try her suits on my 3 year old is banging his head continuously into the door (thinking its amusing) and my 2 year old is removing all the suits from the hangers and trying hers on over top of her clothes! Time to go! Left there empty handed and I promised my 5 year old we would go back when it was just the two of us then my 2 year old starts crying bc she really wanted a "new soup"! Yikes! I have obviously learned how to manage the 4 kids solo (because that is my job) but something about being crammed in that tiny space just got to me! Needless to say I started out my day with the best of intentions excited to accomplish the task at hand and ended up empty handed! Hopefully tomorrow goes a bit smoother!

"Did you hear?"

See the thing is some people are just simply annoying ... and I guess they just cant help themselves because that is just how they are! The thing is they dont know just how annoying they can be! At some point they need to be told that they dont need to know something about everyone and if they could only focus all that energy on their own lives it would be sooo appreciated by others. If you dont have factual information simply keep it to yourself, honestly even if you do have factual information keep that to yourself too! I am so tired of people gossiping and pretending they know things about the lives of others when the reality is they probably know 2% of the information ... ANNOYING! I dont like a gossip and I surely dont appreciate one! Because you gossip you get thoughts and feelings rolling in people all to eventually have it all blow up in everyones faces! You hurt people because you are bored and need to focus your negative energy somewhere ... Please dont focus it on me! I like good real people. I like friends that I can always count on and in return can always count on me. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes ... but at some your countless mistakes get old and Im sorry no longer cuts it. It is what it is and you are who you are but you cant blame anyone else for your fallen relationships but yourself!